by JONAH BAKER 2/28/2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. People everywhere were shocked to learn yesterday that the most powerful country in the world is being run by a fourth grade class after the so-called “candy coup” took the administration down without so much as a thumb wrestle.
During a rare tour of the White House, Mrs. Mocarsky warned her class that unless something changed, they had reached the apex of their lives. Knowing that apex means the top, having studied language and literature at their tender age, the class decided to prevent the public school system and everything they held dear from going down.
Just before the “candy coup”, the now former President giving a tour to Mrs. Mocarsky’s fourth grade class
“It’s just kind of obvious,” said a girl we are calling Michelle. “You play nice with each other, no bullying, and you can’t hold someone in an airport without warrant, without reading their Maranda rights, or some reasonable suspicion. Everybody knows that.”
They held a press conference, audio only to protect their identities, amid the chaos in order to calm the markets and assure other world leaders that now was not a time to try their patience. “We will not have recess until we fix this mess, no mini golf, no snack time, nothing. We’re serious about this.”
“We just offered chocolate and sucker candies to Donny, Steve, and Mike and they demanded a bit more, and then they went away. They were tired of all this work, they really just like to talk big and go out and play,” said our new Secretary of Education, ten year-old Chloe. “We want the world to know, we’ve set up a rotation where other fourth grade classes will take over each week, so that diversity is respected and no one gets mean, greedy, or tired.”
On this news the stock market doubled and rumors are surfacing of similar coups in Slovenia and Japan. “Adults are getting really stressed out and that’s just lame,” explained the new Press Secretary, Billie, as he sipped a juice. “The earth will be ours someday so we need to learn about it. It’s just like Civilization VI, except they have the best controllers here and this super widescreen in the bunker. It rocks.”
Their first executive order was to change the Presidency to a wisdom counsel with a one month term. They eliminated the electoral college, cars that run on gas, and age requirements for R rated movies. “Everyone will get a free bicycle and lessons how to ride them. If you are unable to ride a bicycle, only then do you get a car and a driver. Plus you can eat dessert before dinner, because with global warming your ice cream could melt.”
Mrs. Mocarsky was cautiously optimistic about her class. “This was all their idea and I was surprised how quickly the administration folded. They seemed really unhappy when we arrived. The lights were out in some rooms, the vending machines empty, and they were throwing tantrums or not talking to each other. No one had put toilet paper rolls in the bathrooms in weeks. The kids gave them each a one-way plane ticket to anywhere they wished. They honestly seemed relieved.”
In order to work with Congress and a locked Supreme Court, the new Wisdom Counsel will be requiring all government officials to face an international truth and reconciliation counsel which will have firing power, including the Pope, Louis CK, the Dalai Lama, and Big Bird. “It’s gonna be awesome, like in South Africa or Lord of the Rings,” said the new Secretary of Free Healthcare for Everybody Even Pets, Emily.
The Presidential Counsel sent Bernie with the ring of power to Mordor, with Stevie Golem as his guide, to destroy it. Bernie said, “Let the kids take control, this is huge, after we destroy the ring, Jane and I are going to retire to a farm in Vermont. Our work is done here.”
