by JONAH BAKER March 9, 2017
The CIA, taking advantage of the massive publicity of the WikiLeaks trove, has pushed the release of their new spyPhone 1. This device offers greater ease-of-use versus the competition, running on the Agency’s own proprietary HAL 9000 platform. Don’t be left out of the surveillance craze. Be the first in your social media circles to provide high quality streaming data to the Feds, 24/7.
“You just talk to your spyPhone. It’s very comforting. I’ve lost all my friends, and I don’t care anymore. I love my government and I love the operating system built into the spyPhone,” says Paul Ryan, an early adopter. The ingenious design eliminates all features except for the ability to talk about all your secrets and problems. “This is so much more open and honest. I talk directly to the CIA now instead of pretending.”
The phone is especially geared for government employees as they have no option but to speak directly to the CIA. No need to worry about hacking any more, as there’s no email, GPS, or other features troublesome features. Just a direct conversation to HAL, the artificially intelligent brain of the phone and the new public face of the CIA. Industry analysts have been impressed at the audacity of going head-to-head with Apple, Google, and Putin all at once.
The system is bug free and guaranteed against hacking and other disastrous mistakes. You don’t have to worry about apps or upgrades, as this baby has just one feature: capturing every moment of your life.
