Remember when Nixon put together his dream band? You probably don’t, because the 18 minutes of tape were erased where he was allegedly discussing the assassination of members of the band Black Sabbath, to prevent heavy metal from destroying America.
But who would have toured in their place? The answer shouldn’t come as a surprise: it would have been the young vanguard of the right, the legendless apparatus called White Sabbath. Ben Carson on synth and tranquilizers, Steve Bannon taking Ozzie’s spot on vocals and decapitation, Mike Pence on the triangle, and Rex Tillerson on the oil rig and other industrial sound machines. Yesteryear’s fear of Heavy Metal is today’s immigration policy, and the good ole boys of Satan are back on tour.
They even recorded an album before Nixon apparently pulled the plug on the project. Their songs included would-have-been mega hit “Twitter Man” (“When they are in bed/Pumps his victims full of dread/Fake as can of spam/Twitter man tweets again”) and “Paranoid Sociopaths” (‘He can’t even read or write, we will make him president/People think we’re insane cause God told us to lick your torment ‘)
Truly prescient, their songs foretell the wide swath of destruction created when these four men together unleash their boundless arrogance, corruption, and incompetence on the world. As their only agenda in the White House is to destroy everything the Government provides, every program and protection, and to unleash the fury of Satan upon the earth, they have been left with plenty of free time to golf and to don the wigs and lip sync their way back to glory. The Whiter Than Hell tour begins in antebellum Natchez, Mississippi, and will continue in the Middle East, Chicago’s south side, public schools, Planned Parenthood locations, the polar ice caps, Standing Rock, Flint, Michigan’s water system, and further dates and places to be announced. No need to buy tickets, the police will be issuing them as well as warrants with abandon and prejudice.
