by JONAH BAKER April 7, 2017
Washington D.C. Steve Bannon has been removed from Trump’s National Security Council, to be replaced by German emigre Dr. Strangelove.
Dr. Strangelove said, in his first press conference,”The bombs will begin flying today. War is terrible. We all know this. But it is also beautiful. Steve and I have exciting talks about the almost orgiastic ecstasy of military maneuvers. This escalation is only foreplay, to serve as a distraction from all the President’s, and your country’s, serious problems. I can tell you this now and you will pretend to protest, but you will soon be begging me to fire my missiles.”
“While the chemical warfare in Syria is terrible, we must be seen as just as terrible. I will personally see to it that each missile, each bullet, is filled with hatred and the fiery suffering of meaningless death. I am so honored to have a place on this council and I will see to it that the sexual virility of the President and his pale brothers is never questioned.”
While some conjectured that they are actually the same person, Dr. Strangelove, speaking for Bannon, unequivocally denied this. “You will never see us at the same place at the same time because that would be dangerous. But you must know, when the bombs are flying as a matter of genetic prowess; you must know, whenever we create more room for your Fuhrer’s virility to expand; Stephen and I will be behind the scenes, pushing the agenda forward again, and again, and again.”
After the interview, Dr. Strangelove retreated into his bachelor complex where he for a marathon of Korean internet porn. “The imagery of war propaganda must be updated to match the viral nature of porn. I have forty years of catching up,” he said as a barrel of military grade lubricant was wheeled into his chamber. “Have no fear, people of America. We want action in North Korea. We want our fingers in there. But in the end, this administration will never neglect you. You will always be the ones that we most enjoy screwing.”
