by JONAH BAKER
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, facing outrage over his ignorance of the Holocaust, has ghost written his own book, When Was History? FFN was allowed to witness his self-interview to promote his new book which demonstrates his “mastery” of the subject.
Sean, what happened in that whole Hiroshima thing?
“Good question, Sean. Hiroshima was a Japanese accident. Nuclear balloons are filled with Hydrogen. The President will only use Helium balloons at children’s parties, unless the party is at the Geneva convention center.”
Sean, who was driving the stock market when it crashed?
“Spicer, that would be automaker Henry Ford, the biggest driver of the Depressions, which was a soul group in the 1960s. It was traffic laws and flat tires. So, removing traffic lights, you know, deregulation, we can get our cities running like a well-oiled river.”
Mr. Secretary, when was history?
“Sean, history is like the future, only earlier. You have to get up at the crack of dawn, catch that history sleeping. Bring your hunting rifle, because you can blink and you’ll miss it. That’s according to President Smith and Vice President Wesson, whose guns and cooking oil fueled the first White House.”
Who was the meanest guy in history?
“Sean, let’s go there. The meanest one stooped the lowest. Napoleon wasn’t tall. Trump is taller than your average, ah, dictator, so that rules him in. Hitler was short, that’s a fact. But chemical weapons, whether in non-German concentration centers or during the Holocaust season, that’s super-low. Even I couldn’t reach up to that high level of stoopness.”
Thank you, Sean. I will not be taking any more self questions.
