by JONAH BAKER
MUNICH, Germany. During his Europe sojourn, President Trump sat in a zoo with two polar cubs to explain why he’s withdrawing the United States from the Paris Climate Accords. “Look, just between you and me, global warming is not just real, its super bad for bears. But I’m not a bear. Sucks for you. I’ll be on Mars. Cold planet. No warming. I can play low gravity golf.”
The young cubs tried desperately to record his voice, to have some record of this confession. Thankfully, one of them dialed FFN on his bear phone and we heard the entire thing. “Why would we make an agreement with French people? They didn’t elect Le Pen. No Frexit, and Papa Bear Putin wanted that.”
Seeing the twin cubs were upset, Trump snarled, “Look, I’m the middle bear. Putin is the big bear. You’re the little bears.”
One of the snowy cubs ventured, “You just said you were a bear. I can dig that. You know, you may be a middle bear, but we’re all bears. White, brown, black… we’re all just berry-loving bears. And we’ll all go down with the planet. Mars, honestly, is unrealistic and fraught with peril…” The cub trailed off, seeing the glaze over Trump’s eyes. “Its okay, Donnie. You’re the middle bear.” After the President left, the bears got back to designing a solar powered election monitoring system.
