by JONAH BAKER Feb 27, 2017
National Harbor, MD. At the Conservative Political Action Conference, one did not have to look too far to find the strange and the unexpected. Trump’s policies of protectionism, xenophobia, and attacks on the free press — frightening. But on a back table in the gift shop, attendees could purchase something smaller bring home and scare the kids: a Republican attempt at “celebrating diversity”: the “Creatures of the New Right” action figure series.
The biggest sellers were of Dr. Bannonstein and his Creature, from the classic film which birthed the troubled times we face.
“The Creature” was celebrated with pride as a “different kind of monster” that would lead the GOP on to victory by repealing the Affordable Care Act, destroying the EPA, deregulating corporations, and eliminating women’s right to choose. But those bolts sure are cute and wouldn’t it be great to take one home and put a brain in that skull bin?
Not to be outdone, the speaker had to have his own action figure, which revealed his blood-sucking roots.
In a closed-crypt meeting with only Breitbart news and a few sacrificial victims, the Child Labor Secretary reported, “Europeans have a rich history of blood-sucking and imperialism. Europe is our friend, and our fiend, especially those creatures of the night from the Carpathian Mountains from by-gone days when they could openly bathe in the blood of the people, and more recent rulers who celebrated carnage with their brainwashed subjects. Plus we need to bring back classic horror films of the McCarthy era!”
A key element of Republican’s new diversity strategy is the normalization of robots and robot refugees, with solid Christian values and the ability to wipe out jobs and civilians without question. During his speech, “Robo-Corp” emphasized machine rights. “This country needs to be safe for machine gun wielding cyborgs to steal your jobs through force and automation. That’s why we’re starting the first robot union, as a way to simultaneously embrace diversity, worker’s rights, corporate greed and our taste for blood.”
Finally, to counter #blackLivesMatter and show they can celebrate “the rainbow coalition”, Republican’s unveiled their new pink Klan doll.
Spicer was asked at the crypt conference if he believes these figures truly celebrate diversity or are just another attempt at dog-whistle politics and manipulation by the alt-right. He replied, “These toys are for all kids in this great country, so they can know that anyone, no matter what type of caucasian conservative background, even if they are an armed robot, can grow up and turn the White House into a House of Horrors, blow things up, and generally make things intolerable for all life on the planet.”
