Tonight by candlelight, Republican Count Paul von Ryan opened up the crypt of his heart to talk truth about the “Affluent Care Act”. In a reclusive interview at his castle in the mountains looming over Washington, D.C, the Senator waxed poetic regarding the dark soul of the Republican agenda.
“The rich need to bath in the blood of the poor. Our program is truly nonpartisan, genderless, and without regard for race or creed. As long as you are vulnerable, we will taste your blood,” said the Senator as he offered a few members of the press red wine, not drinking any himself. “This tradition dates back to Vlad the Impaler. The bill expedites the process by removing essential health care from our most vulnerable. Everyone under vonRyanCare will be able to donate blood. No charge. The rich drink or bath in the blood and receive tax breaks in return. Insurance and drug companies will have greater latitude to bleed the country dry. Everyone wins.”
“We hope to divert attention to our plan by intervening into women’s right to plan their families. If anyone realized what monsters we are, we’d be in serious trouble,” he said, having just locked the gates to the estate. “We need to create enemies, whether they be women, Obama, immigrants… it doesn’t really matter. The Republican party is the vampire party, and thus our mantra: demonize and accessorize, but never compromise.”
The Senator did look dashing in his late 19th century wool costume, imported from the Carpathian Mountains. After the press conference, a few of us without pre-existing conditions were able to escape and report the story. Needing rest, others chose to remain at his gothic estate, which seemed to delight the Senator and his crypt-mates. It was remarkable to see Von Ryan in bat form in the moonlight as we literally fled for our lives.
