By Jonah Baker May 16, 2017
WASHINGTON, DC. Trump’s unencrypted laptop, on which he shares state secrets with Russian models on OKCupid, has allegedly been locked by the “NixonWare” virus. “That’s what made those secrets topless,” Trump said, “I respect secrets and women. I would never make a top secret go without its top, not with a virus.”
A class of “Crybaby” malware or “Excuse-Ware”, the virus is typically used by students as an upgrade to the analog “dog ate my homework”. Guidance counselor Skeeter Pot lamented, “Demonstrates that a 3rd grade bully could, quite literally, be president.”
“You want tapes? Criminals? Check in the bottom desk drawer. It’s locked because no one can see how innocent I am. Who’s Nixon now? I fire the whole country,” said a tweet from the Trump account. But Trump was golfing at Mar-a-Lago, and the tweet came from thousands of miles away, where the virus may still control the Oval Office.
Sean Spicer emerged from the bushes to exclaim, “You got Clinton on her email server. Trump’s computer is more personal and more NixonWare hacked up. That’s the media in a nut shell. Speaking of which, do you have any food?”
Experts believe the virus has been running the White House since the day one.
