by JONAH BAKER 6/6/2017
Diana, a wondrous woman and immigrant from the island nation of Themyscira, was named Special Counsel of the Russia-gate investigation. Using her lasso of truth will take years off the process and save the taxpayers millions, perhaps save the world as well. Trump proclaimed, “Worst movie I’ve never seen. Women fighting is stupid. Bad for makeup. I give PG. Pink Garbage. Aries wins. ”
The film , which set a first-weekend record for box office take by a female director, has an almost religious effect on many female (and some male) audiences. Rumors of a Goddess cult emerging from screenings is unconfirmed. Given the special effects, intelligent plotline, and kick-ass battle scenes, it is no wonder that she’s leapt from the screen into politics.
Diana spoke at a press conference, “Aries is rising again, in the form of xenophobia, virulent racism and every other kind of negative ism, endless wars abroad, and a war on women’s rights. If you were going to choose a male leader, why pick such a pitiful example of the male species? I’ve come through at this time to strengthen your resolve. And you’ve got to hear their confessions, I’ve never heard such a confused greedy pack of juvenile troglodytes in all my decades of existence.”
She began the investigation by suspending Trump by the Lasso of truth off the top of the Washington Monument. It wasn’t necessary to get him to take honestly, she admitted. “I was just toying with the bastard.”
The selection committee chose her because of the quality of the film in which she appeared. “It’s like Wizard of Oz meets Thelma and Louise, all wrapped in a screwball romantic comedy circa 1937. A brilliant mashup.” Likely selections for the transition government will include Cate Blanchett’s Elizabeth as Secretary of State and Katniss from the Hunger Games as the Secretary of Defense.
