by JONAH BAKER
Austin, TX At Whole Foods Headquarters, the merger went faster than expected with Amazon, creating a company that promises to bring the most questionable policies of both companies together into a “harmless” goliath. “Whamazon!” will be the name of the combined company, with the exclamation pending Jeb! Bush’s approval.
Celebrations began with Dronato, the prototype drone-tomato and food-delivery vehicle . The GMO Dronato, weighing in at three tons, will “…feed whole villages, or alternatively be used to crush them, depending on the settings on the terminator seeds,” said the new CEO, the cloud-based Maxim Prophet. “We provide cradle-to-grave service for our human customer. From your first bite of Tibet-source apple puree, to your last IV-drip of Matcha-bathed, streaming bison, you will never leave the Whamazon! cloud.”
Pressed on whether they will feature GMOs that risk the genetic heritage and safety of the planet, Maxim’s synthesized voice soothed this reporter. “Our new series, Planet of the Whole Food, is set in 2120 where Whamazon! saves human children using our drone army delivering YumYum-Future-Füd.”
New buzz-füds are spitting out of Whamazon! AI labs at record speeds, including “free-streaming chicken”, “Prime machine-raised Salmon,” and “Nature-free fruit.”. The new “füds” to be emphasized will be priced according to buzzword level and 3D printed by the Dronato. “The hipsters,” said Prophet, “have given Whamazon! a unanimous Like on all social media. Look up in the sky. We have arrived.”
