WASHINGTON, D.C. The White House has invited members of Covington Catholic boys school for a “Blackout Party.”

Sarah Sanders said the party is, “Nothing to do with blackface, it is related to the government shutdown. Of course, we will not be invited any Native Americans, but only because we have shut down services on reservations, and so that would not be appropriate, as they would not want to celebrate the shutdown, nor are they in favor of the Wall.”

White Castle will be providing the catering.

By Jonah Baker

SACRAMENTO Governor Jerry Brown announced that he will be leaving office with a plan in place that addresses several issues at once, including immigration, wildfires, and his own wish for a relaxed retirement.

“We will be implementing mobile technology, whereby Californians will vote on a MoveOnward app, allowing them to choose where they want the state to situate for the extended fire season, from the mid-summer well into the fall. Ellon Musk is helping implement the complex technical aspects of moving the diverse state across the pacific,” the octogenarian said at a press conference held just after Christmas as a “parting gift to the state.”

Open voting will happen after the first year, but due to budget and planning constraints, the first site has already been chosen: in the cool waters between New Zealand and Australia. “Our Summer is their Winter. It will be very pleasant (after the months-long perilous journey across the Pacific), and given the dangers involved in staying, due to the environmental and political climate, this is a win-win. And really, we’ll be coming back. Soon.”

How do residents feel about this? A 3rd grade teacher in Fairfax said, “This will be a great way to teach kids about climate change, world politics, and geography. What if we encounter pirates in international waters? This is going to be exciting. ”

A construction worker/screenwriter in downtown Los Angeles commented, “We better be getting overtime on this. I’m already working on the series pilot. Nothing like this has been tried since the great era of public works projects in America. Will we come back before a green new deal? Will we be allowed to vote absentee after a taste of kangaroo? It’s like Survivor on acid, crossed with Planet of the Apes.”

Musk was seen at the Nevada border using brain-chip enhanced moles to begin the digging process and initiate phase-one separation. “It is just like launching a rocket, only laterally and with millions of people and mountains onboard,” the plucky entrepreneur said. He is donating the first voyage as a public service, but will charge for the return trip “if anyone complains about the on-board food and entertainment.”

Many supporters of GOP policy may jump ship before the App and state launch, projected to be July 15th. “This opens the door to all kinds of Australians infiltrating the United States. Let the vegemite lovers leave,” was part of a statement from a group of Republican legislators who will be continuing their work “in exile,” out of a Las Vegas gentleman’s club.

by Jonah Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. Trump sent an undisclosed package to Santa’s helper Bobbi Shaw, with a written-out tweet card, sending holiday markets into a tailspin: “Does the President have the authority to replace Santa Claus?”

The President claims that mistreatment of asylum-seeking children, restrictions on healthcare and other rights, federal workers loss of pay, low wages and a nose-diving market, upticks in hate crimes, as well as other seeds of chaos sown by the GOP have little to do with the lull in cheer this holiday season. “It’s that damn beard. Food trap. Very sad. No more cookies for him,” Trump tweeted from the White House communications room, a secured toilet near the televisions and game center. He wants the Supreme Court to decide if separation of church and state require him to stay out of Santa’s workshop.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied that this was a coverup with any payoffs to Santa’s helper Bobbi Shaw. “Yes, the President did see an old movie, and might have thought it was about Santa. I am only willing to answer more questions in exchange for immunity and a book deal.”

A person within the administration, not wanting to reveal their identity for fear of repercussions said, “I don’t want him giving so many gifts to these actresses. He has the belly for Santa, but where is the heart ? Christmas giving begins at home, with a new mink comforter, getting rid of all these dirty immigrants, and a traditional Potica cake from my native Slovenia.”

Secretary Hillary Clinton has accused Senator Bernie Sanders of attempting to address the real problems of the American people. “Of course we needed to fix the primaries. Sanders was engaged in the unthinkable — actually addressing issues such as student loan debt, the need for health care justice, and addressing climate change. We have been vindicated by the release of the Paradise Papers .”

Clinton, like Trump, has been vindicated by the release of the latest trove of financial documents, revealing the lengths the world’s financial elite have to go to evade paying taxes and launder money. “The problems of the uber wealthy dwarf that of the poor in America and elsewhere. You have no idea how difficult it is to run a multi-national money-laundering scheme. I have deep sympathy for the Trump family and what they face in the Mueller investigation. Why would Bernie try to distract the corporate class with the penny-pinching troubles of the working poor? It is outrageous and we had every right to respond as we did.”

Senator Sanders, remarkably, seems to be standing by his proposition that the United States can and should be a country guided by economic fairness and the needs of the 99%. Clinton, Trump, and others were seen laughing at him at an exclusive party celebrating the release of the Paradise Papers. “Let this stand as a warning to future candidates who attempt to undermine our democracy by being honest, unbribable, and with true integrity and caring for the American People. Honoring the will of the voters is one luxury we cannot afford when we’re being hounded for the millions we’ve squirreled away in the Caymans or some other haven. Bernie, just go away. Please.”

Other leading democrats followed suit by shunning Sanders for attempting to make modest reforms to excesses in America reminiscent of the 1890s. “Universal healthcare? Free college at public schools? Reining in Wall STreet?  People with those kinds of ideas cannot be allowed to receive votes, for the good of all that we, as a party, represent. You know, lobbyists, Saudi princes, and the like.”

BY JONAH BAKER

BOWELS, EARTH.  Steve Bannon, murmuring “blood and soil” to himself,  took the first shovelful of soil for the expansion of the Trump Crypt. In a quiet ceremony, Bannon took well to his new work.

“So many casualties of the Trump administration: Flynn, Scaramucci, Comey… civil rights, justice, decency. Yes, we’ve done good work.  Now its time to bury the dead and celebrate with a little bit of the old skull and bones,” Steve is rumored to have said to his intern, a 17 year old “white supremacist” named Dick, who likes hip hop and tiki torches.

The Crypt will serve as the Presidential Library and demonic rites center.

A number of Fortune 500 companies, as well as the Koch brothers, were jostling to get their names associated with the Crypt. Bannon explained as he lifted up the dry soil that has been imported from the “old country” in coffins, “Forgive me for waxing poetic, but skeletons — they are truly white — and this crypt is going to celebrate all that’s dead in Trump’s America.”

GOLF COURSE, NEW JERSEY.   President D. Trump has given himself a record 98% approval rating today, perhaps saving his administration from sliding into the trash heap.

“My self-Approval rating is biggest 98% of any Leader. Stalin had lower numbers when he was this high. Any people rate me low — go back to Fake History School. George W. Lincoln fought for WHITE House.”

It was unclear at press time if the President was referring to his golf game, which has become a policy focus of late, or to his skills in diplomacy and domestic policy. 

1. Cosby tapped as Trump’s lawyer.  Bill Cosby is celebrating his mistrial with a jump back into acting reminiscent of his early days in I Spy. He will be defending Trump in the Russia-gate scandal as “Mr Pink”, the one that gets away with the diamonds. The tweet: “This is a comedy. He’s a funny lawyer. Bill got off. I will get off. We’ll be off in Moscow, getting off. Note to self, check for hidden cameras in plane and hotel.”
2. Putin will Direct. Quentin has stepped back for “personal reasons.” This Russia-financed production will be shot and executed in Moscow. Vladmir claims to be “Mr. Orange,” the law and order man.
3. Steve Bannon replaces Steve Buscemi. Which begs the question: will  Bannon replace Chris Christi in New Jersey and start a Boardwalk Empire after his prison term?
4. Paul Ryan is an undercover democrat and a Chinese spy, so-called Mr. Blue. But who’s side is he really on? We may never know.
5. Jared Kushner almost finishes negotiating for a falafel sandwich on his way to his first meeting in Jerusalem when his indictment comes through, making him the “Nice Guy”. We all know what happens to “innocent” nice guys in crime families.
6. The real “Mr. Orange” is a Russian asset! No surprise, but the pee scene horrified audiences and caused the film to be banned internationally. Here comes Mr. Green to the rescue — cash can “fix” any problem, presumably, including democracy.

by JONAH BAKER

Austin, TX   At Whole Foods Headquarters, the merger went faster than expected with Amazon, creating a company that promises to bring the most questionable policies of both companies together into a “harmless” goliath.  “Whamazon!” will be the name of the combined company, with the exclamation pending Jeb! Bush’s approval. 

Celebrations began with Dronato, the prototype drone-tomato and food-delivery vehicle . The GMO Dronato, weighing in at three tons, will “…feed whole villages, or alternatively be used to crush them, depending on the settings on the terminator seeds,” said the new CEO, the cloud-based Maxim Prophet. “We provide cradle-to-grave service for our human customer. From your first bite of Tibet-source apple puree, to your last IV-drip of  Matcha-bathed, streaming bison, you will never leave the Whamazon! cloud.”

Pressed on whether they will feature GMOs that risk the genetic heritage and safety of the planet, Maxim’s synthesized voice soothed this reporter. “Our new series, Planet of the Whole Food,  is set in 2120 where Whamazon! saves  human children using our drone army delivering YumYum-Future-Füd.”

New buzz-füds are spitting out of Whamazon! AI labs at record speeds, including “free-streaming chicken”, “Prime machine-raised Salmon,”  and “Nature-free fruit.”. The new “füds” to be emphasized will be priced according to  buzzword level and 3D printed by the Dronato. “The hipsters,” said Prophet, “have given Whamazon! a unanimous Like on all social media. Look up in the sky. We have arrived.”

People worldwide are celebrating Trump’s birthday by enjoying their last days of  breathing in clean air and remembering all that has been in a disappearing world. But Russia is the real focus of the festivities with a public barbecue planned “American style” in Putin’s highly secured completely private estate.  

The resident has been spending the day with loved ones Jared and Steve, practicing again and again simple phrases in Russian, such as “Сколько денег вам нужно отмыть” (Which kind of vodka is best to launder your money?) or “В следующий раз, когда я хочу выиграть большое всенародное голосование” (Next time, give me big popular vote win, golf vacation, and smarter sons.) Exciting that Russian will soon be mandatory in US schools.

This old Russian birthday “Song for Rulers” gently complains about what the world is like under dictatorships, thus providing a state-sanctioned outlet for lamentation. Putin is very proud, having personally overseen Trump’s training in the People’s Autocrat Academy in St. Petersburg. Trump almost failed out several times, but his internship in the United States is going well and the song has been changed to celebrate Russia’s favorite step-son.

Old Russian Birthday Song for Rulers

Never mind protestors in the rain,
for the oceans are rising they say.
Who cares if sick and poor complain
Let’s celebrate our ruler’s birthday.

Every whim becomes an order
He will eat all the birthday cake
There will be no, friendly borders
I hope news that we’re screwed is fake

He laughs at Comey’s testimony
Untold millions his tweets infest
On His birthday, we must obey
Insult him and tomorrow you’re next

Every whim becomes an order
He will eat all the birthday cake
There will be no, friendly borders
I hope news that we’re screwed is fake

Note that the film is the source of a beloved Russian traditional children’s birthday song, and we hear it is sung throughout Eastern Europe. We attempted to honor the spirit of the song but you can see the original with English subtitles here.